Thursday's Big Box Adventure

Oh how hard it is on my heart to worry about a child, born or unborn, and to know that ultimately there is nothing that I can do put pray to the God who created this child in the first place to care for it.  I feel some shame in that not feeling like enough, when in reality Christ really is our only hope regardless of circumstance, but I am trying to really let myself be honest about how I feel and at least right now, honest and faithful might not be the same thing.

So, in preparation for finding out if our baby is a boy or a girl this Saturday with our families, we needed to do something fun to celebrate the little life growing inside me that will one day soon be a very special part of this world, no matter what challenges he or she may have or not have.  We decided that as part of our big "reveal" we would need a box, some paint, and a few helium balloons.  After Ada and I picked Isaac up from school, we drove to the U-haul store to buy a box that would suit our purpose.  When we brought it home, we covered it in brown packing paper, and the kids and I painted it to honor the brother or sister we will soon know.

Isaac loves green and Ada loves purple so they picked their favorites to start the paint job!

Isaac finished his side and then moved on to the next while Ada walked around in the paint.

And he just kept going to make his "creation" special!

We also went to Las Paletas, our favorite popsicle place, to buy 6 blue popsicles and 6 pink ones to eat with our families after we find out the gender of our baby.  Thanks to the help of this baby's sweet brother and sister, we had fun continuing to "prepare a place for you" in our hearts and lives.  We are so excited to know if you are a boy or a girl!

Jeremy and I took the box to the party store in our neighborhood on Friday.  We gave them our ultrasound and told them that we didn't know whether our baby was a boy or a girl, but that we'd love for the box to be filled with pink or blue helium balloons to reveal the gender of our child when we opened it the next day.  The staff got really exciting (surprisingly) about the top secret assignment we gave them.  It's so fun to get to involve other people in the big mystery!  Isaac and I think it's a boy, Jeremy says it's a girl (but mostly because he's always wrong and really thinks it's a boy), and Ada says it's a baby!  How funny that our little risk taker is the only one not putting herself out there!

21 week sneak peak

Wednesday was a crazy day!  Here are some of my thoughts summed up in part of an email I sent to a few friends and the grandparents who I knew would be praying for us.

Our ultrasound revealed that baby has an enlarged tummy and that fluid doesn't seem to be moving through it.  Everything else looked good, so the tech sent me to my appointment with Dr. Libby and then had me come back afterwards for a second ultrasound to see if baby's tummy had gotten smaller.  Libby said that often her experienced ultrasound techs look at everything very closely and since everything else looked good that she wasn't worried yet.  So, i didn't worry when i talked to her--in fact, i didn't even ask her what an enlarged stomach could be symptomatic of (mostly because i didn't want to expose myself to any unnecessary info that's going to make me scared).  When I went back for my 2nd ultrasound nothing had changed so the tech sent the scans to radiology and said that Libby would call me in a few days if she thought we needed to do anything other than another ultrasound in 4 weeks (which is so long to wait!)  The nurse recommended that I call on Friday just for peace of mind since surely Libby will have talked to the radiologist by then.  

I know i can't do anything but pray for this little one.  unfortunately i also just looked up "enlarged fetal stomach" on-line and now I have a lot of questions i wish i'd been able to ask this morning.  Most of what i've read says that 50% of the time everything is normal.  Otherwise it could indicate down's or cystic fibrosis (and probably a lot of other things but i decided to stop my search there since it was making me anxious rather than surrendered).  i did also read that it might be a symptom of gestational diabetes, which obviously be something we could manage.

I felt so grateful for a window of time i had this afternoon to be sad on a day that i got up and got dressed for with grateful enthusiasm--baby's first picture day.  i think i needed to be sad as the rain fell and my older two treasures slept safely upstairs.  perhaps the best, though, was the sweetness of watching them play in the puddles in their rain boots and belle meade hand-me downs (ruined, i'm sure, and for the first time ever i didn't care if they ruined something nice because nice just doesn't matter in the big picture).  i've never had more fun in the mud.

libby got my scans and looked at them before she left the office tonight.  she called me on my cell phone and said that she really feels like the baby's enlarged stomach is something we will watch but that without any other markers showing up on the ultrasound, she thinks it is best if we follow up with an ultrasound in 4 weeks and move on from there.  i asked her about each of the conditions an enlarged tummy could indicate, based on what i read on the internet, and she said, again, that each of those come with other markers or genetic history (though she did say that down's is hard to rule out on an ultrasound).  i was grateful for her eyes on my scans and for her comforting knowledge.  she was cautious to say that though she can't say with certainty that this will fix itself, she has also had patients who have presented similarly and she's never seen it become something of consequence.  I was relieved by that and was so glad she called me.  i wish i had thought to ask her what causes an enlarged stomach, so i may have jeremy call her back later and ask.

i'm going to have sparkling cider, i think, after all, on this weird, scary picture day.  even though we'll be in this unknown place for at least 4 more weeks and maybe until we hold our baby.  thanks for praying for him or her!  we'll know on saturday if it's a boy or a girl!

the new pond rocket

Jeremy and I had such sweet memories in the blue x-terra.  That was the rugged truck he drove (complete with Colorado tags) when I fell in love with him.  It's the car he cleaned before he picked me up for dates, the place he told me he had "absolutely fallen in love with me" on april 17, 2004, just a few weeks after our March 1st meeting, and the place where he kissed me for the first time (a very awkward but passionate first kiss experience for me that i like to refer to as a suckerfish kiss.  it was only afterwards that he held my hand in that old x-terra).  It was that car that he drove into a telephone pole trying to impress me with his mudding abilities after a long crud day afternoon at church, and it was that car that starred in one of his first bedtime stories about clarence and beatrice, two frogs and their pond rocket.  Ever since then we called it our Pond Rocket when we didn't call it the X, and I loved it, mostly because I love Jeremy, and it came with him.

I felt big in the X--way bigger than I feel in my little honda.  I felt cool in the X--way cooler than I felt in my reliable sedan.  Mostly though, I love the X because of the memories we made in it.  We drove to Colorado in that car (which is where Jeremy told a friend in my presence that he'd like to mary me) and then we had all of our newlywed adventures in it--to florida and camping and on ski trips.  We were able to fit our dogs in the back and take them to the dog park or to memphis with us, and as the years passed, we also were able to put our babies in it.  One baby, and then another, and now that there is a third on the way, not even the car top carrier will offer us enough grace to get everyone safely inside the Pond Rocket.  Besides that, it needs a lot of work, and because we knew we'd need a wider car by July, we figured it was smarter for us to pour money into a new vehicle rather than keep fixing up the X.

I grieved the change on my way south to pick up our van.  I drove slow on the interstate, savoring my last adventure in what was my boyfriend's cool truck before trading it in for a van that instead symbolizes for me a much more responsible and less care free lifestyle.  We arrived at the car dealership in a typical cloud of smoke accompanied by the smell of burning oil but thankfully no flames, and I said my goodbye as Randy the car salesman helped me get the car seats out of the back and the license plate transferred to the new van--the O, we like to call it.  Thank you, x-terra, for being a part of so many sweet memories in such a wonderful and awe-filled season of my life.

Now this minivan is making things hard on me.  I had no idea that shopping for a car had gone the way of the internet like everything else in our world, and though that gives us access to so much more, it also makes a heart like mine greedy.  After looking at our options (and test-driving what was available, which was top of the line, of course), I convinced myself that perhaps a minivan would be a good thing for this soon-to-be mama of three if it had leather seats and a sun roof and maybe some built in dvd players or an iPod dock.  Because the model we ended up with has none of the above, I'm feeling less than thrilled with our package.  I am thrilled, however, with the deal we got (I think it was a good one and in a season in which i'm not working, that couldn't be a bigger gift or need fulfilled), and i am also thrilled with the fact that the van will seat all of our children, which was our main reason for stepping into minivan land.  I'm hopeful that after a few adventures in our new O with the "magic doors" and working cd player (Isaac put money and "lots of it" in the cd players in both of our other vehicles so having access to our music again feels dreamy) I will feel better about it.  Honestly I am grateful for the reminder that it is to me of being surrendered in this season (and really always) to knowing our need and not feeling like we "deserve" the extras.  we have plenty of extras and plenty of blessing in our lives--leather seats and a sun roof don't need to be among the things i hold dear.  A vehicle that will fit all of us and that feels safe on the road is what we needed and the Lord, once again, provided.  I'm growing into it, slowly but surely.

It felt anticlimactic to pick up the new car and just drive it home so i took the kids to Wendy's to get frosty's in honor of the occasion.  After we enjoyed them, I realized it was time for dinner and that I didn't have a plan for what we'd eat when we got home.  I got back in line with Ada while Isaac finished his frosty and I set her on the counter to order her hamburger with no pickle and french fries.  When the lady asked, "how can i help you?' ada said out of the clear blue, "can I work here?"  I laughed and so did the Wendy's employee who said, "excuse me, what did you say?"  ada said it louder a second time and so the woman went to get her manager, who delighted so in Ada's request that she sent us back to our table with our hands full of kids' meal toys.  I still laugh about it.  These sweet babies make everything an adventure.  And therefore,  I'll drive the church bus if I have to.  As long as my car is filled with life, I really don't care if my i-pod works in it.

so much has happened!

today is january 24th.  4 years ago yesterday we met isaac for the first time.  we had so much fun celebrating his fourth birthday this year, and i can't even believe how big he is now.  he's such a boy.  he can do so much now.  i just love him to pieces.
to celebrate his big day, we had a dog party.  he wanted one for a long time, suggesting that everyone bring their real dog so that they could all fight in the backyard.  we decided to tame his request a little and he agreed that people could also bring a stuffed animal dog or a picture of a dog.  we had a dog show with all of the pups that came with the kids and it was so cute!  we also made dog collars, dug for bones in the sandbox, had obedience school, and ate cake that looked like dog food out of dog bowls.  isaac had so much fun.  his aunt name helped build him a doghouse out of a card table and some insulation board, which he loved too.  he was so glad to have his cousins here among his guests.  38 people, 3 real dogs besides our own, and 56 hot dogs--how wild is that?

yesterday isaac had gymnastics and then we went to sweet cece's to celebrate turning four.  after naps he played chutes and ladders with me and we also enjoyed his new ball and a dr. suess game called "i can do it."  mr. steve brought him some chocolate milk and gracie brought him a towmater truck that has a fun cannon on it.  after we played, we enjoyed dinner at mcdonalds at his request.  he ate every bite of his happy meal and played his heart out on the playground.  i only had to go down the slide twice (which was good because i'm too old or too pregnant to fit in those tubes).  isaac went down it tons more times by himself, and ada went down AND up it.  we had fun.  then we made dog bone brownies for him to take to school today, and did baths and read 5 books before bed.  i had such a great time with him.

in other news, we got a minivan last week, ada requested her first job, jeremy got a speeding ticket i should write about, and i am 16 weeks along with baby #3.  more later!

houses for you and me

since we've been talking about houses in preparation for ada's party, isaac has become aware that not everyone has a house, which was our goal, in part.  he asked me how come not everyone has a house, and i told him that not everyone has enough money to buy a house, and that, in fact, people borrow money for their houses since they are so expensive.  he said he thought we should give some of our money to help someone buy a house.  i was so excited that he wanted to be generous in such a special way.  then he told me "but not my money from my piggy bank."  oh well.  we'll keep trying.  i get it.  it's hard to be generous.  i don't do it well either!

when you are 16

today when ada and i picked isaac up from school, ada insisted on climbing into her seat by way of the driver's seat.  she said to me, in all seriousness, "mommy, can i drive?"  and i said, "no, baby.  you have to be 16 to drive a car and you aren't even 2, so that means you can almost drive in 14 years."  she replied, "Ohhh.  okay."  and after a pause she said, "Can i drive now?"

I know it'll seem like tomorrow and she will be!  in the meantime, i'm glad we are only getting ready for her 2nd birthday and not her sweet 16th!

a BIG surprise!

i am so excited!  a kind of excited i don't remember feeling the first two times because i was so terrified, but a surrendered and wonderful and amazing kind of excited--so much so that it only feels fitting to write about it so that i won't forget it.  if it's within our control, this is the last time i'll experience this revelation excitement--the last time i'll ponder in the quiet of my own heart and soul the miracle of a little life within me on the very first day i get to know about the gift of his or her existence.  in this very moment, only the Father in heaven and I know about this little one.  I feel like God is letting me in on a divine and holy secret, just a small part of His plan to be revealed in some unique and creative way to this world.  i've been praying that God would give us this baby, and jeremy told me last night that he has been too, and though Jeremy does not yet know that God did, indeed, answer that prayer,  I am taking a break from the tasks of the day to praise our God from whom ALL blessings flow and to pray for this little one that He, the creator and savior of the universe, dreamed up before there was even time for the very purpose of bringing Him glory in some way. I can't believe i have the privilege of carrying this little one these next nine months, and beyond, and as much as I, honestly, don't love being pregnant, I already love this child so very much.  And so this last time, I really want to enjoy the miracle that's taking place inside of me.

I wonder if she's a girl, or if he's a boy.  I wonder how she will bless our family, in what ways he will stretch us, what she will be like, how he will interact with his siblings....  I wonder so many things, some of them practical (like where will he sleep and how in the world will we fit 3 car seats in our car?) and some of them not (like who will she be and how will he best know God?).  I wonder how his little life will change the lives of his siblings.  Isaac and Ada do so well together...finally!  They love each other.  Can they love another little one too?  Can I love another one well?  I struggle to love the precious ones I have with joy and patience.  Is there enough of me to go around, and to still invest well in our marriage?

I have no choice but to trust that God is more than enough for us as He grows our family with great purpose.  I can't wait to tell Jeremy.  I'm so, so excited about knowing this baby and raising him or her with Jeremy by my side.  I wish I could hold her or him today!  July 10th ish is our due date.  Finally, a summer baby!!

Hooray!  I am so very full this day.
i was suspicious when i noticed how strong my fingernails were on the way home from gymnastics  with Ada today.  I am so grateful!  And now...off to decide how to tell Jeremy he is a daddy again!  Thank you, Jesus, for knitting this baby together within me.  What a miracle!  Please bring this little life here safely, and may He or she be filled with your Spirit and an eager participant in your Kingdom work.

"Sing over me, draw me close to rest in your peace.  Sing over me, oh sing"