things to remember today

Today I want to remember that Ada cried when she got out of the car for school this morning.  She doesn't like being away from me, and she hates running at PE, so she has decided that her tummy hurts when she thinks about school AND she doesn't like it.  My heart aches for her.  It kills me to watch her struggle, and yet I know I can't rescue her from that.  I want to remember how proud I am of her for going to school today...in a chapel uniform with lots of buttons.

Today I want to remember that Isaac still likes to hug me.  He hugs me long and hard, squeezing my squishy middle with all of his strength and I love it.  He loves school and loves to learn, and I am proud of him too.

I want to remember going to Target with Gabe.  I got him a blue raspberry Icee and he sat in the cart and we talked all the way through the store.  I ended up with wheat thins and dove chocolates because he was with me and wanted them.  I love to hear him talk.  I want to remember that he always takes his shoes off, so most places we go, he's barefoot and his shoes are in my purse.  He fell asleep on our way to Michaels.  He slept all the way through the store, his warm, sweaty body safe in my arms.  He took a 3 hour nap today.  I missed him.  He also cried when I dropped him off at Bible Study.  It was his first day.  It stunk to leave him, but he was singing about God making the world when I got back to get him and he was having a blast.  He is so wonderful.

I want to remember Jeremy teaching at church tonight.  He did a great job.  I love hearing him deliver wisdom to parents.  He has gotten way more comfortable teaching.  He is good at it.  Gabe sat in my lap the whole time.  I loved it.

I'm busy with a lot right now.  I don't want to miss the important stuff while I'm trying to figure out my life...

well, a year has gone by.

So, it's been a year since I last recorded any thoughts here, which honestly makes me sad.  So much has happened in this year that is beautiful and wonderful and hard and good and is God's great work in our lives.  I hate not to remember all of it.  I hope our pictures will tell the story of those days at least in part.  We were the incredibles for halloween last year, we stayed in Nashville for Thanksgiving at the Shapiros, and we had a fantastic polar express party for ada's 4th birthday.  We got elves at Christmas time who did fun creative things all over our house, and we spent advent making "conversation jars" for our friends.  We loved having family over for soup on Christmas Eve, and Christmas was fun too.  Afterwards we escaped to the beach for a few days before coming back to start school, celebrate Jeremy's 38th birthday, and to celebrate Isaac turning 6!  We invited his class to a big wild west "wanted" party.  It was so much fun!  In February, we went to DISNEYWORLD!!!  Such a delightful dream come true!  Nana and Papa T took us and we did so much fun stuff.  We can't wait to go back.  Wow.  It was amazing.  We went to the beach for Spring Break with the grandmothers, and then Isaac started baseball and Ada geared up for her "Baby Face" recital.  Gabe tags along, happy to be where his siblings are and still not really talking very much.  Kindergarten ended, which made me so sad and so grateful--Isaac wanted to stay in Mrs Brown's class another year and every night since has read his yearbook, studying the kids in his school faithfully.  We started our summer with a quick trip to Montreat with the Leims and the Nolens, which was really fun, and we then came back for swimming lessons.  The big kids learned so much this year in lessons!  They are like little fish now!  Jeremy went to Arizona to visit GiGi for her 90th birthday and we went to Memphis to throw Whitney a baby shower.  We came back to VBS, which was a great experience for all of us.  The kids got into helping raise money for Habitat, so we had a lemonade stand to do it, and made $57.  Crazy!  We went to Monteagle for Father's Day and had an awesome time playing and riding bikes.  Jeremy came back to Nashville but we stayed an extra day.  Ada fell off the monkey bars, and as it turns out, broke her arm in two different places.  She wore a spunky pink cast for 3 weeks and rocked it!  We had a great time celebrating Gabe's 2nd birthday with a "Gabe is turning 2.  Take 2 Parade" for the 4th of July.  It was really fun to decorate bikes and hang with friends in honor of our littlest dude.  We enjoyed a few days at the beach after that as a family and it was super special because we are normally only at the beach in the spring and winter, so being there when we could actually play in the water was awesome.  After that we stepped into our biggest undertaking of the summer--Camp Watermelon!  It was amazing!  We had 40 campers, 8 counselors and a whole lot of fun.  God showed up.  Thankfully I recorded some of it in emails to parents, so those memories aren't all lost--I am already excited about doing it again next year!  We did one final trip to Memphis at the end of the summer to swim and go to the zoo.  We loved our time there.  As school started up, I unexpectedly began a new job working 10 hours a week for the youth ministry at FPC.  It's been a busy fall so far, but both Isaac and Ada are loving school and we are all making it just fine.  Isaac started first grade in Mrs. Ford's class and Ada began 2 days each week at St. B's.  She also does 3 hours most Thursday mornings at Encore.  We started flag football and dance and gymnastics and Wednesday night church since Jeremy is teaching a parenting class during choir time for the kids.  He's doing a great job with it and with his counseling, on top of trying to publish his first children's book.  As I think about how I am writing the story of our last year, it sounds so amazing and wonderful.  Aside from a broken bone, I haven't reflected on a single thing that felt hard or sad.  We have had plenty of that this year--it IS hard.  this is hard.  our days are good, but they are hard.  they aren't so hard that we are crushed under them--they are the kind of hard that puts just enough tension on our strings that hopefully our lives are making music.  or at least noise of some sort that honors god.  I am grateful.  I am grateful for the long, hard, good, rich days.  We don't have much time to rest, though we are sleeping all night most nights and that makes a HUGE difference in my presence everyday.  We have so much to be thankful for.  We are so blessed.  Oh my.

We had a nutty weekend last weekend.  We went from thing to thing to thing.  Jeremy forgot to pick Isaac up at school on Friday, which made me feel like we were crushed before we even started.  Thankfully he loves school so much, he just rolled with it.  "Mommy, guess who was the LAST kid picked up today?"  Two blessings from our busy weekend: 1.  Jeremy finished last in the bike thing with an 8th grade boy and a 7th grade boy (not to mention our own two boys that he pulled the whole way).  it took them 4.5 hours to finish the course, but they finished, and Jeremy offered them one of the best gifts ever in hanging in there with them.  He is a champ.  I love him.  and 2.  We had a fall festival at St. Paul on Sunday night.  We saw Mrs. Ford, who told us that the kids wanted to pray for a kid who had been missing from class.  They said he was sick.  Mrs. Ford told them he wasn't sick, just taking a break from class.  Isaac said, "well, we can still pray for him even if he isn't sick."  I love him too!

I have to go get into car pool line.  I want to be more disciplined here in this space.  MY space for remembering, which helps me see God's faithfulness.  Surely I will be back before next year!

happy birthday (january 23rd!) to our IZ!

I found this letter tonight and I just didn't want it to get lost.  So, here it is, Isaac!  Happy Late Birthday to my 5 year old!

January 22, 2013

Dear Isaac,

Tomorrow you turn 5.  I can’t even believe it.  In so many ways it seems like you have been a part of my life forever, and yet these 5 years have gone by so fast.  It seems like only yesterday that I met you.  I’ve done a terrible job documenting the gifts and the challenges of your preschool years, which is certainly evidenced in the fact that I can’t even find your journal tonight.   Even so, tomorrow feels like a huge milestone for you, and so maybe one day when your journal turns up, I can paste this note in there right along side the last one I wrote, probably years ago.

We had a pirate party for you last Saturday.  It was so fun!  All of your friends came (actually, you wanted to invite everyone you know because your heart is so big and your list of friends is so long—I should probably say that everyone we invited showed up in pirate attire, ready for an adventure—ready to honor you!).  I loved that party for you because it celebrated so much of who you are and what you like to do as you turn 5.  It felt a little like stepping into something more than I could have expected, and maybe even more than I would know to dream for a five year old’s party, and I feel like the same is true of the gift of being your mom.  I love who you are, Isaac.  God has given us in you a boy who cares about other people, who is aware of others, who wants to be compassionate, who has a wild and wonderful imagination, who longs to obey and wants to please, who is curious, who loves his brother (and sometimes his sister, though I will admit that she often makes that a tall task for you), and who longs to learn and play.  As I look at pictures of you this past year, I can see that this is the year that you became a boy.  You aren’t a baby anymore.  Though you will always be MY baby, you are growing up into a person I am so very proud to know, to love, and to call my son.  This year you fell in love with Mother’s Day Out, telling me again and again that school is good for you and sharing with me stories of your adventures on the playground and in class.  You told me last spring on the way home one day, “Mama, I think I have lots of friends!”  and though I cried for a very different reason on your first day of Mother’s Day Out, I cried grateful tears when I picked you up last May on your last day of school before summer.  You made a t-shirt with the hand prints of all of your classmates (6 boys total) and you told me that you would wear it everyday until it became “too small” and even when you couldn’t wear it you would keep it forever so that you could remember “your boys.”   This is the year we traded in our cool, rugged x-terra for a mini-van, which holds all of us (even the dogs!) nicely, and it is especially wonderful that you are now big enough for a booster seat!  You got one for Christmas and you are so excited about buckling yourself in now!  You took swimming lessons this year, and after the first few days you really got the hang of it.  I love watching you explore life underwater and grow more and more confident as a swimmer.  How cool that you began the summer in floaties, and after swimming lessons you didn’t need them at all!  You thrived in gymnastics this year, becoming stronger and more confident there too.  I love that you are aware of what you are good at in the gym, and that you also know what is hard for you and where you can improve.  You tested into a preschool program for gifted children this spring too.  Your IQ is really high, which does not surprise us, and we pray that we will have you in just the right environments to encourage the growth of your really bright mind.  Right now you go once each week to a program called Encore (we call it Mr. Price school) where you learn all kinds of things.  I’ll never forget you hopping in the car one afternoon and saying to me, “Mom, do you know how birds communicate?  Communicate means how they talk to each other.”  This fall you started another class at Mother’s Day Out.  You have 13 kids in your class and though it’s very different than having 5 other boys, you are thriving as a leader there too.   Everyone loves you.  I think all the girls might want to marry you.  Choose wisely!  You are, indeed, a prize!  You told me once that you think they should have a contest and whoever did the” best tricks like forward rolls and stuff” would be the one you would marry.  Your teachers chose you to be Joseph in the Christmas program.  You were perfect for the part.  You even had to say “I see Mary looking at me!”  as a part of the play.  I pray you will continue to grow into a man who has Joseph’s humble heart.  God has given you a lot to steward well!  You also gave up your beloved “This” this year.  You worked hard to get rid of it, but just didn’t want it to go all the way away.  Starting in August you didn’t take it to school for nap time, and shortly afterwards we all got colds at our house.  Daddy said you would have to have your This boiled before you could suck on it and because my hands are full at night, I told you once that you were welcome to have it but that I wasn’t going to clean it and that it was disgusting.  You said you were done, and that was that! 

As a four year old, God gave you the gift of being a big brother again.  The last time you became a big brother, you weren’t quite two yet.  This time you were way more ready for it.  You delight in Gabe, and he certainly enjoys you.  He watches you and now that he is six months old, he likes to sing to you when you come near him.  I get excited when I think about what God will give the two of you as brothers.  And I also delight in knowing that you and Ada were picked for each other as well.  Y’all have adventures together more and more.  Mostly they end in someone crying, but I know that won’t be forever.  Plus, Ada cries a lot to get her way.  And you hurt her when she frustrates you.  I hope y’all get to claim something unique relationally one day as well.  You are a good brother, Isaac.  You do very much love your siblings and try to care for them.

You hold onto things tightly.  You don’t like us to mess up any of your “creations.”  You are already building with legos and you love to make things out of stuff in your room.  What is a treasure to you may not seem so to anyone else, but every little thing is precious to your heart, and I love that about you.  Every so often I wish I could get away with throwing things away, but you always seem to come behind me and find whatever “valuable” happy I’ve put in the trash can, pulling it out and saving it in your collections.  If it can’t be rescued, you cry hard over your loss. 

You love to swing on the swing in the front yard now, you jump on the trampoline, and of course, are the dogs’ best friend.  You eat a lot right now.  When asked if you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a hotdog, you sometimes say both!  You are starting to try and like new things—like crust on your sandwiches and carrots too.

Now that you are five I know I will have to let go of you in ways that I haven’t had to before.  I dread the day you start kindergarten and you are away from our home for 35 hours each week, and yet I know it is so good for you and that you are so capable.  I also know that you are a blessing and that you have a lot of God’s heart to share with those you meet out there in your school world.  Plus, you have such an eager mind, and I get excited for what this year holds for you when I think about how you might grow.  Thankfully I have until August before I have to surrender you to school five days each week, and so I pray that I will treasure the days that I have you at home.  May they be adventures in their own way and may they help you to know God deeper. 

When I think of the last 5 years, I know God has used you to show Himself to me beyond what I knew to ask for or imagine.  Oh how I need the Lord to help me love you well.  You are a tangible reminder to me of His favor in my life, and if my delight in you pales in comparison to His delight in either one of us, then we are loved way beyond measure by the king of the universe.  What good news!  You teach me about laughter.  You teach me about second chances.  You teach me about depth and about being intentional.  You teach me about joy.  You teach me about prayer.   You remind me of how great hugs are, and about how fun it is to play.  You are a great gift, my boy.  My son.  My laughter and encouragement.  Happy 5^th Birthday, Isaac Barnes Shapiro.  May 5 be an adventure that stirs you to great things, and may the Lord be close every minute of every day, protecting you, calling you by name, preparing purpose in and for you, and bringing you comfort. 

You are such a huge piece of my heart.

Love you forever,

Mommy

Gaberade

Dear Gabe,
You are getting so big, little guy!  I catch myself watching you as you explore and I can't help but wonder what happened to my baby!  You are such a fun kid to have around.  You are an incredibly quick crawler.  I can't keep up with you.  You have several different methods for crawling, my favorite one being the one where you sit up and scoot yourself forward.  It's hilarious.  I hope you don't abandon it completely when you become a more confident walker.  You might.  And I will get over it.  I guess.  You took you first steps on September 8th, 2013 at the ripe old age of 14 months.  We were in the living room and you walked from Daddy to me (but you were really after a balloon that was right beside me!).  You didn't do much walking at all the rest of the week, and then you walked again the next Sunday at church during the 5:30 worship service.  I think you strung about 7 or so steps together at a time, and I loved watching you learn in a place that is so dear to my heart.  When you weren't walking, you were pushing your little matchbox car around on the concrete floor.  I hope you will still zoom cars around when you are on your feet all the time and not your knees!  You took off at McDonald's last Friday night, September 28th, and I am pretty sure you are starting now to prefer walking to crawling.  It is so fun to watch you go.  It's a complicated thing to learn, and you are rocking it!

You have 4 awesome teeth and are working on 4 more.  You love to play cars and to send marbles down the marble track.  You shake your hands with excitement as you watch the balls roll! You also love to throw the ball to the dog.  These are many of Isaac's first joys, and it is fun to watch y'all love these things together.  One of my favorite things right now is seeing you light up when we pick Isaac up from school.  You freak out with excitement.  It is so wonderful Isaac's teacher even wrote me a note about it!  You like to wave a lot.  As big kids at school walk by in the afternoon, you love to wave to them as they pass.  You also love hot dogs and shredded cheese and dried apples.  You are finally starting to sleep at night and it is amazing!  Keep up the good work.  Geez, it has been a long time coming!  You crawl up and even down (though we don't ever let you on purpose) the stairs with a lot of ease, and you love to sit in my sink when I get ready in the morning and play with any available toothbrushes.  You are our first toddler to pull books off the shelves, tupperware out of drawers, chemicals from cabinets--you are our 3rd and yet 1st reason to baby proof.  You say "Mama" a lot now, and you also know what the squirrels and the dogs say.  You try to say Nala and Stella and you do a pretty good job of both!  I am hoping that you and I can read some books while the big kids are in school--the kind of books that teach you words.  So far, our attempts have been interesting.  You'd rather be on the go than sitting still in my lap (which is funny because you are also my best cuddler).

I love you, Gabe.  You just couldn't be cuter.
Going to bed.  Please let me sleep all night!
Mama

Kindergarten so far..

Dear Isaac,
I have been meaning to capture for you some snapshots of your first few weeks of Kindergarten.  Though i haven't written them down yet, I have been holding them in a very small section of my brain for long enough, and because I fear that if I don't purge them soon they will be gone forever, I am taking a few minutes tonight to remember for you the nuggets of awesome that you have shared with me so far.

Many mamas gave me advice about how to step into these Kindergarden days.  I even went to a panel discussion to hear some different perspectives on how to navigate this first year well.  I came away with a lot of notes:  take the dog to hook up line, don't ask questions, give him space, bring a snack, let him sleep in his clothes....the list goes on.  You have yet again taught me way more in these weeks that I could ever learn in a panel discussion.  You hop in the car with boundless energy after school.  The first week of school was a four day week of half-days.  You knew you didn't have school on Friday, but after your taste of school on your very first day, you hopped in the car and said, "Mama, I just LOVE school.  Do you think I could go to school on Friday?"  When I said no, you said, "Well how about Saturday and Sunday?"  It was then that I finally let myself cry, mostly because my heart was so full that I would have the gift of sharing you into an experience that you were drawn to and excited about.  In your sweet and powerful words, I felt God's mercy in my Mama heart and His confirmation of our prayers for your school journey for this year.  I am so thankful you like it!  That continues to be the case!  Wow.

You also tend to tell me exactly what you did in PE everyday.  It's your favorite class.  You like the games and you like to sing the songs that they play while you all do your thing.  It really makes me laugh that you try to sing "Can't Touch This" (blast from MY past, MC Hammer)  but tend to get the words wrong (I do that all the time, with most every song I try to sing).  After you talk about PE, you ask me to ask you questions, and whatever I ask jogs your memory to tell me more.  I hang on every word.

The third day of school you had sad news when you got in the van.  It was the first day that you had anything negative to share.  You told me that you had a hard time on the playground.  You said that William was on the climbing wall and that you walked up to the wall to climb too.  He told you, "No!  You can't play here!  Get off!" and I asked you frantically, "What did you do?" my heart all but ready to crucify young William for treating you that way.  You told me, "Mama, I said, 'Well, I think it's okay for anybody to play here' and then I walked away."  Then you told me this, "I think William said that to me because he doesn't really know me yet.  Probably if he knew me, he would like to play with me."  I stand amazed by your wisdom, little man, and I learn so much from it.  I also learned that third day of your Kindergarden experience that I am slow to forgive when people are unkind to my children, and I really want the posture of my heart to reflect Christ back to you, rather than anger.  Christ forgives.  You did too.  I am thankful.

Later that same week you told me after school one day that you made a new friend on the playground.  You said that you noticed that Emma didn't have anyone to play with so you asked her if she would be your best friend.  She told you no, that she didn't want to be your best friend, but she did say that she would be your friend and that she would like to play with you.  As you were about to go play, you noticed that Shepherd wasn't playing with anyone, so you asked if he would like to play with you and Emma.  Then you told me, "Mama, things got complicated!"  Shepherd did want to play, but Emma said she didn't want to play with you if you were going to play with Shepherd!  Yikes!  Again, I said with anticipation, "What did you do?'  You told me that Shepherd walked away, so you just played with Emma.  I am so glad your heart longs to see those who might need a friend.  May God bless this in you, Isaac, for it is a rare and very beautiful gift.

Mrs. Brown is your teacher.  She loves you and is great at teaching Kindergarten.  Every morning when you get to school, you pick a number from a bag.  That is your number for the day and is representative of your place in line.  Your number the first day of school was 14.  The second day it was 15.  The third day it was 15.  The fourth day it was 15 again.  The first week of school, you towed the back of the line well, and I began to wonder if you must be the last one in the classroom everyday (we live so close to school that we tend to be last minute people).  Maybe kids peek at their numbers and put them back for a better position?  Regardless, you don't mind the back of the line, and you LOVE having me guess who had each number everyday.  The following Monday, you pulled 14 out of the bag.  William pulled 15.  You said you turned to him and said, "William, don't you worry.  It's going to be OKAY.  The first shall be last and the last shall be first!"

My other memory of your first week of school is of making you chocolate chip cookies to take with you for dessert.  We don't normally have homemade ones, so I thought it was a huge treat to put one in your lunch the first day.  The cookie came home on Monday, home on Tuesday, and then by Wednesday when you still had not eaten it, I was tempted to eat it myself.  You told me that you can't eat dessert until you finish your whole lunch!  You also said you are not able to talk to your shoulder buddies at lunch because you don't have time to eat if you do!

You have great respect for the rules, buddy.  And you love what you are learning.  You can read some words now!  "have, little, i, am...."  It is so fun to watch you grow, and I hope that you will enjoy learning always, not for the sake of getting it right or doing a good job, but because God gave you a great mind and generous curiosity.

You are off to a good start.  I am finally able to admit to myself that I am so sad that you are gone during the day.  It is hard for me, but I am so glad that my "grieving" isn't complicated by any sort of negative experience on your end.  You go eagerly, pushing us all out the door to a new day.  Your spirit is such a gift, Isaac Barnes.  What a gift you are!  Happy Kindergarden year!  So far, you are loving it!

Love you,
Mama

what she prays for...

I just got to tuck Ada into bed.  It's a Sunday night, so I have Jeremy's help and because we had dinner at Nana and Papa T's AND skipped a bath, I feel like I got to enjoy the kids rather than rush them through the evening madness routine.  I crawled in beside Ada, who is snuggled in her "new" elephant consignment sale PJs under the very thin pink gingham blanket that DD made her when she was born.  Her humidifier is blowing steam towards her to help her breathe easier through her "clogged up" nose, and her room smells of RuRu, who visited this week in honor of the birth of our new little cousin, Charlie.  RuRu slept with Ada a couple of nights, and as I snuggled in beside her, sandwiched between the wall and my wild, wonderful girl blessing, she sat up and peered over me, as if to make sure I wasn't squashing something important.  She said, "oh good.  you aren't laying on the RuRu smell."  I asked her where that was so I could make sure not to squish it, and she told me with a vague wave of her small hands, "It's right about there."  I laughed really hard, mostly because I, too, smell the RuRu smell when I am in her room right now.  Nothing gets past Ada.

Tonight as I was praying for her, I prayed (among other things) that she would know Jesus as she grows.  She stopped me and said, "Mom, I already know Him.  We should pray for someone else."  I asked her if we should pray for Charlie, who was born on Wednesday.  She said yes!  And for all of the Moms who just had babies and can't swim!!

So, Jesus, please be with all the new babies and all those Mama's out there who can't swim because they have had a c-section with a fishing pole (which is how Ada tells the story of your virgin birth).  I am sure they are all anxious to get back in the pool.  And please continue use whatever bad memories my child has of her 2nd summer, rotten only because her mama had a baby and couldn't get in the water.  It was just enough suffering to make her prayerful, for whatever reason.  

Kindergarten

Dear Isaac,
Not so long ago, I held you for the very first time.  I was so tired from laboring for so long and then so drugged up from my c-section, that I remember asking the nurse to please take you because I was afraid I would drop you.  Since that day (and even before), you have held the very special place in my heart that only you can hold.  You, the boy who made me a mommy, are a delight!  I can't even believe what a gift it is to know you and spend time with you and watch you grow.  You amaze me.  You are adorable, you are smart, you are kind.  You love discovering.  You love to play with the dogs, to play with your matchbox cars, to do anything with Daddy, to hunt for bugs, to throw rocks in the creek, to make up games, to pump your legs and make the swing go high (but not too high).  You ask questions about God, you love your brother and like to find things to do to entertain him, and you get excited about going to school.  As I snuggled up with you the last day of Mother's Day Out, I celebrated that you had finished two whole years of school (two days a week), and you burst into tears.  You said, "Mana, when am I going to see my friends again?"

It delights my heart that you love people.  My prayer for you is not only that God would decorate your life with people, but that he would also give you a few really close friends to walk with on this crazy journey into His best for you.  Because I think you shine when you are with people, Daddy and I know that school will be a good place for you, and yet at the same time, I WILL MISS YOU SO MUCH!!  You are my partner these days--my helper, my number one!  You laugh at funny things with me and you make all things fun.  I am excited about what Kindergarten will be for you.  Daddy and I have prayed about it so much, and we are thrilled that you get to spend your first year of full-time school at St. Paul.  They will love you so well there, and Isaac, you are so lovable.

You seem excited about going.  We've been to Storytime in Mrs. Brown's room, and RuRu took you to Open House to see your cubby and all of the centers in your classroom.  Monday you have a half-day, and the same is true for the rest of the week.  I am so glad!  That is probably more a gift to me than to you even, but I think a soft start into this whole idea of surrendering you to someone else's care for the day EVERYday is really good.

Sending you to Kindergarten reminds me like nothing we've done before that you are not mine.  You are the Lord's, and He was gracious enough to set you in our family to love and to cherish and to cheer for as you grow.  May you be a light for Him, Isaac!  You are so good at making other people feel special, about being aware of others in your room, about remembering the details about what is going on in people's lives, about celebrating birthdays...  and you are so smart too.  I know you are anxious about holding your pencil the right way.  Don't you worry--it will come!  I hope the Lord will prompt you to ask for help when you need it, to share your joy with others, to make others feel important, and to be kind.  I also hope you love what you are learning at school.  Your brain amazes me.  You remember so much and can do really complicated math already.  You say all the time that you would like to be a car builder when you grow up.  May Kindergarten be a step in that direction...or toward God's dreams for who you might be as a man after His own heart.  We pray that you know Him one day, as well as you can on this side of heaven, and we hope that this Kindergarten year will be a special step in that direction, as well as a sweet educational foundation.

You are my delight.  I can't even tell you with my words how much you mean to me.  People used to tell me your little years would go by fast--because you cried at me for the first six months of your life, I didn't believe them.  I do now, however, and though I am so excited for you, I am sad for those of us who will miss you at home.  Your preschool years have been awesome!!  Thanks for making my heart more like His just by living in it...and in our house.

I love you, Isaac!
You are my IZ, and I am grateful.
Love,
Mama

things she says...

I love it when Ada says Lasterday.  It's awesome.

I love it when she says most of what she says.  Recently, she has offered us several funnies we don't want to forget:

Canaded geese (Her friend Ayden told her about Canadian Geese).

While at Radnor Lake on a Scavenger hunt, I prompted her to catch up several times, "Come on, Ada."  "Come on, Ada."  She responded finally, "Ugh.  Mom!  I am Come On-ing!"

Tonight when we were praying she told us we didn't have to pray about swim lessons anymore because she was doing just fine.  (not entirely true.  she also says when we arrive there every afternoon, "mommy, i don't know if i have poop in my bathing suit or just gas."  Bless her.

Also, I think I will always remember, regardless of whether I document it or not, the time she crawled under my skirt at church, on the floor, during the service, and said in her loudest voice, "Mommy, you aren't wearing any big girl panties!"  So. Not. True.  I had a freak out.

She told her Sunday school teacher, that the heart jewel on her butterfly purse that she earned for sleeping without her "This-y" was to remind her that her mommy loves her.

She also has decided that she doesn't like to wear buttons on ANYTHING.  not for functional reasons or for decorative ones.  I think it's because she really likes to pick her clothes out and to change several times a day.  buttons slow her down.  Because she won't wear buttons, or pretty much anything that's not purple, her wardrobe choices are limited.  We fight about it.  I wish we didn't.  She's my only girl.  I thought dressing her would be fun!  All the moms in her pre-school class have girls who wear cute dresses.  with buttons.  When I picked her up the other day, I asked her if she played with Jane (who I love.  she also happens to wear beautiful dresses with buttons).  Ada responded, "Mom!  I don't like button people!!"  seriously.

That reminds me:  She calls the ottoman the bottom-man.

She also told me a few weeks ago as I was leaving for a parenting seminar, "Mommy, maybe after you go to this thingy, you will learn how to act better.  like maybe you will only spank me sometimes instead of all the time."  for the record, i rarely spank her.  in my humble opinion, my spankings do very little to curb her behavior.  she often looks at me afterwards as says, "was that a Big spanking or a little one?"  as if it mock me for even trying.

That's all for now.  Just needed to remember some of that cuteness before my brain lets it all go.

introducing gabriel oakes shapiro

15 weeks ago we welcomed Gabe into our family.  Oh what a joy it is to have him here, and though I am so very, very tired, my heart is so very, very thankful that we are all here.  As the days pass, I know we are one evening closer to a good night sleep...and one night further from sweet newborn snuggles.  I'm trying to just feel great about where we are.  Being fully present is hard when the days are hard, but is so fun obviously in the moments that fit us just right.

Here is a letter I wrote to my college girlfriends the morning after Gabe's birth....

Hey Girls!

Just wanted to send you all a few pictures this morning of our sweet gift, Gabriel Oakes Shapiro!  He weighs 7 lbs and 5 ounces, is 19 inches long, and is such a sweet snuggler.  I'm so glad to be on the other side of surgery, and to get to have some moments with Jeremy and with Gabe to get to know this little, sleepy one.  He's eating good now, though he will go for his circumcision in a bit and they expect he won't be hungry afterwards, and he does have a heart murmur that they are watching, but he's doing great over all!  I had a rough day yesterday because my spinal block started wearing off during surgery--i could literally wiggle my toes before I left the OR and by the time we got to recovery I could already lift my legs, so needless to say I felt way too much of what was going on and that was not only really scary for me, it also made it hard to curb the pain afterwards since we were so far behind it.  I feel a lot better today and already have my IV out and my catheter is gone too, which means i'll be walking to the bathroom and maybe will be able to eat soon.  I'm grateful we are all okay!  Thanks so much for your prayers!

Y'all know us well enough to know we have a hard time naming our babies, but now we feel good about calling our littlest dude Gabe.  He stirred so much anxiety in me from the very beginning of pregnancy and as days passed I found it hard to trust that God could possibly give us another undeserved healthy baby.  Jeremy and I both had names we liked, but none of them matched except for Gabe.  One day while I was working on preparing a place for him in our crazy house, I heard a song that I had never heard before--a Christmas song that had a young boy reading a sweet version of the annunciation, which went something like this:

“Mary, you’re going to have a baby!  A little boy!  You will call him Jesus.”  (Wait.  God was sending a baby to rescue the world?)  “But it’s too wonderful,” Mary said.  “How could it be true?”  “IS ANYTHING TOO WONDERFUL FOR GOD?” Gabriel said.  So Mary trusted God with more than what her eyes could see.    

I realize more and more that I fail to trust God with my heart, and both Jeremy and I believe that Gabe does have some sweet things to remind us about the wonder of who God is.  Gabriel means "God is my strength" so as we hope that for him, we feel so blessed to get to know that better in our own lives as we journey with our youngest little guy.

Oakes was Jeremy's mom's maiden name.  No one has much good to say about her dad, so it felt like a less than honorable namesake to me until Jeremy reminded me that God is about redemption in our lives, and that he wouldn't be the person he is if that were not true.  Isaiah 61:2 says, 

"They will be called Oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."  So, we're hoping for God's continued redemption in the lives of our children and are reminded of the sweet grace of claiming that gift in our own lives as we pray that baby Gabe will be righteous in God's eyes through Christ.

Isaac told us we could call his brother Gabe but that he was going to call him Michael.  Ada wants to call him Bo Basket, so I guess he's headed for some special nicknames.  The kids did great meeting him yesterday, and we are excited about their visit again today!  Can't wait to share him with each of you as well.  Again, we are so grateful for your prayers, and for the gift each of you are to our family!  God reminds us of His faithfulness through you all!

Much love,

Erika and Jeremy, Isaac, Ada, and baby Gabe

so full...

So much has happened this spring.  I put pressure on myself to document it, because I know these fleeting days are treasures, but are so hard to remember!  because I can't seem to document it all well, I just don't, and that, I believe, is a mistake.  So I'm going to try.  God gives me such joy in the hard of having young children...and sometimes not, but I don't want to miss this!  So here is an attempt at remembering some of this spring.

We had a followup ultrasound at 25 weeks and baby boy looked great!  His tummy was emptying and seemed to be functioning normally, which relieved my anxiousness so much.  I have had way more peace since then, and as he grew bigger, it didn't even really matter that I have an anterior placenta--i can feel him move just fine!

We got to spend some time in Memphis this spring--a few weekends for Whitney's wedding showers, and a whole week for her wedding.  It was fun to do Memphis things with the kids like go to the zoo and to the park where I grew up playing and to the children's museum.  The real highlight for them is time with their cousins, so though I was busy helping Whitney get married, they had a blast with Gracie and Gretta and with Ruru, who of course, serves us so faithfully.

We went to the beach with Nana too.  RuRu came and we had a great time swimming and playing in the sand and eating lots of yummy things.  It was Easter and it was my birthday, so Jeremy flew down and joined us for the weekend.  We went to dinner and saw the Hunger Games at the movies on a real date with no kids and we also got to go for a long walk on the beach.  It was a pretty happy birthday.  Isaac spent Easter trying to figure out how the Easter bunny got all the way up to Nana's condo hondo, which is something we should remember for the future in keeping the focus where it needs to be, but he  finally decided that he's just a really big bunny that can hop really high.

The kids have said cute things this spring, some of which I can remember and many of which I know have already escaped me.  I'm not sure if i've recorded this yet, but I will never forget driving down Hillsboro Road and having Isaac ask me if there will be flowers in heaven.  After I told him that I think there will be and that they will be the most beautiful flowers we've ever seen, Ada picked up on the fact that heaven is wonderful and asked with delight, "oooh!  is that where the hot dogs grow?'  (She would eat hot dogs 3 times a day if we let her).  She has since transitioned into her big girl bed.  It was such a big deal when Isaac did.  With her, we just put her in it one day for her nap and she was sold.  I love her in it because I can snuggle with her a little bit.  The morning after her first night in her bed, I ran up to check on her (thinking that she would come down to play as soon as she woke up).  When I saw here, she was content, surrounded by all of her dollhouse family, her favorite stuffed animals, 3 open books and wearing her sparkly flip flops.  Of course she loves the freedom of her big girl bed!

Isaac finished his first year at mother's day out, and really loved it.  He has a t-shirt souvenir with all of the hand prints of the boys in his class that he wants to wear forever and if it ever gets too small :) for him, he wants to at least keep it forever so that he can always remember his boys.  I'm so grateful for that experience for him.  He gained so much confidence socially and creatively and looked so forward to every day he got to go to school.  He went to Vacation Bible School at St. Paul last week (Ada calls it Bible Cation School), but he said they didn't play--they had to sit for a long time in Babylon :)

Another spring highlight was the "countdown" Isaac and Ada and I made to count the days until we get to meet baby brother.  We made it out of construction paper strips and stickers and markers.  We stapled the strips together to make a very long chain--over 60 loops!  each day the kids take turns taking off a ring.  I thought it would be a huge gift to see how many days we have until July 5th, but in the beginning it was really hard to feel like it was so far away.  Now there are only 11 loops left, making it hard for the kids to reach them (they have to stand on a chair).  Getting close!  We can't wait to meet you baby!!

Going to start Season 5 of Friday Night Lights with Jerome.  We are so tired.  So it makes sense to watch a show, right?

the big reveal!

Saturday was our big day!  We had a fun little family gathering to find out if our littlest one is a boy or a girl.  Pops and Ruru came to town, Nana and Papa T came over, and Dusty and Ellie did too.  We played a few games when they got here before we discovered the big secret.

First we played Bananagrams, the Baby Name version.  Jeremy and I are having a terrible time agreeing on a name no matter the gender of this child, so we thought it would be fun to have the family help out.  This is what they came up with:

This is Nana's board.  She's SO good at this game.

This is Uncle Dusty and Ellie's board.  Ubbonsaquar is totally in the running.

And here is RuRu's.  Not sure how we could pull off an Ada and an Oda, but well played, nonetheless.

After Bananagrams, we went downstairs to play a game we named "zone defense" since the grown ups in our home will be outnumbered by the children in just a few short months.  One defensive player guarded a baby pool while two offensive players tried to get the balloons of their team color in the "goal."  Papa T and Jeremy meant business.  who would mess with these guys?

Game on.  More later...

it's a boy!

And so, after games with the grandparents, uncle dusty, and ellie, we found out we were getting a brother!!  First we played bananagrams, only the goal was to name the baby with your letters.  Then we played a balloon game that involved hitting pink or blue balloons with fun noodles into a baby pool being guarded by a member of the opposite team.  Next we opened our big box, and to our surprise, balloons of all colors floated out!  we thought it would be filled with blue balloons or with pink ones, but in the midst of all of the color, we saw one rise that said, "it's a boy!"  I love the bottom picture of our "announcement" floating up out of the box right under the painting Dusty gave us of the Prodigal son.  I love the image of our baby boy being welcomed into the Father's arms, day after day and forevermore.

After the big reveal, the big kids ate popsicles and then they went on a poop hunt in the backyard to clean up after the dogs.  though i have to confess a little bit of sadness over not having another girl (i knew this would happen-it does every time), I am so excited that God chose a boy for our family.  As time passes (and now it has!  he is only 11 days away!), it's great for my heart to claim our threesome as brother, sister, brother.  it feels perfect for us!

Thursday's Big Box Adventure

Oh how hard it is on my heart to worry about a child, born or unborn, and to know that ultimately there is nothing that I can do put pray to the God who created this child in the first place to care for it.  I feel some shame in that not feeling like enough, when in reality Christ really is our only hope regardless of circumstance, but I am trying to really let myself be honest about how I feel and at least right now, honest and faithful might not be the same thing.

So, in preparation for finding out if our baby is a boy or a girl this Saturday with our families, we needed to do something fun to celebrate the little life growing inside me that will one day soon be a very special part of this world, no matter what challenges he or she may have or not have.  We decided that as part of our big "reveal" we would need a box, some paint, and a few helium balloons.  After Ada and I picked Isaac up from school, we drove to the U-haul store to buy a box that would suit our purpose.  When we brought it home, we covered it in brown packing paper, and the kids and I painted it to honor the brother or sister we will soon know.

Isaac loves green and Ada loves purple so they picked their favorites to start the paint job!

Isaac finished his side and then moved on to the next while Ada walked around in the paint.

And he just kept going to make his "creation" special!

We also went to Las Paletas, our favorite popsicle place, to buy 6 blue popsicles and 6 pink ones to eat with our families after we find out the gender of our baby.  Thanks to the help of this baby's sweet brother and sister, we had fun continuing to "prepare a place for you" in our hearts and lives.  We are so excited to know if you are a boy or a girl!

Jeremy and I took the box to the party store in our neighborhood on Friday.  We gave them our ultrasound and told them that we didn't know whether our baby was a boy or a girl, but that we'd love for the box to be filled with pink or blue helium balloons to reveal the gender of our child when we opened it the next day.  The staff got really exciting (surprisingly) about the top secret assignment we gave them.  It's so fun to get to involve other people in the big mystery!  Isaac and I think it's a boy, Jeremy says it's a girl (but mostly because he's always wrong and really thinks it's a boy), and Ada says it's a baby!  How funny that our little risk taker is the only one not putting herself out there!

21 week sneak peak

Wednesday was a crazy day!  Here are some of my thoughts summed up in part of an email I sent to a few friends and the grandparents who I knew would be praying for us.

Our ultrasound revealed that baby has an enlarged tummy and that fluid doesn't seem to be moving through it.  Everything else looked good, so the tech sent me to my appointment with Dr. Libby and then had me come back afterwards for a second ultrasound to see if baby's tummy had gotten smaller.  Libby said that often her experienced ultrasound techs look at everything very closely and since everything else looked good that she wasn't worried yet.  So, i didn't worry when i talked to her--in fact, i didn't even ask her what an enlarged stomach could be symptomatic of (mostly because i didn't want to expose myself to any unnecessary info that's going to make me scared).  When I went back for my 2nd ultrasound nothing had changed so the tech sent the scans to radiology and said that Libby would call me in a few days if she thought we needed to do anything other than another ultrasound in 4 weeks (which is so long to wait!)  The nurse recommended that I call on Friday just for peace of mind since surely Libby will have talked to the radiologist by then.  

I know i can't do anything but pray for this little one.  unfortunately i also just looked up "enlarged fetal stomach" on-line and now I have a lot of questions i wish i'd been able to ask this morning.  Most of what i've read says that 50% of the time everything is normal.  Otherwise it could indicate down's or cystic fibrosis (and probably a lot of other things but i decided to stop my search there since it was making me anxious rather than surrendered).  i did also read that it might be a symptom of gestational diabetes, which obviously be something we could manage.

I felt so grateful for a window of time i had this afternoon to be sad on a day that i got up and got dressed for with grateful enthusiasm--baby's first picture day.  i think i needed to be sad as the rain fell and my older two treasures slept safely upstairs.  perhaps the best, though, was the sweetness of watching them play in the puddles in their rain boots and belle meade hand-me downs (ruined, i'm sure, and for the first time ever i didn't care if they ruined something nice because nice just doesn't matter in the big picture).  i've never had more fun in the mud.

libby got my scans and looked at them before she left the office tonight.  she called me on my cell phone and said that she really feels like the baby's enlarged stomach is something we will watch but that without any other markers showing up on the ultrasound, she thinks it is best if we follow up with an ultrasound in 4 weeks and move on from there.  i asked her about each of the conditions an enlarged tummy could indicate, based on what i read on the internet, and she said, again, that each of those come with other markers or genetic history (though she did say that down's is hard to rule out on an ultrasound).  i was grateful for her eyes on my scans and for her comforting knowledge.  she was cautious to say that though she can't say with certainty that this will fix itself, she has also had patients who have presented similarly and she's never seen it become something of consequence.  I was relieved by that and was so glad she called me.  i wish i had thought to ask her what causes an enlarged stomach, so i may have jeremy call her back later and ask.

i'm going to have sparkling cider, i think, after all, on this weird, scary picture day.  even though we'll be in this unknown place for at least 4 more weeks and maybe until we hold our baby.  thanks for praying for him or her!  we'll know on saturday if it's a boy or a girl!

the new pond rocket

Jeremy and I had such sweet memories in the blue x-terra.  That was the rugged truck he drove (complete with Colorado tags) when I fell in love with him.  It's the car he cleaned before he picked me up for dates, the place he told me he had "absolutely fallen in love with me" on april 17, 2004, just a few weeks after our March 1st meeting, and the place where he kissed me for the first time (a very awkward but passionate first kiss experience for me that i like to refer to as a suckerfish kiss.  it was only afterwards that he held my hand in that old x-terra).  It was that car that he drove into a telephone pole trying to impress me with his mudding abilities after a long crud day afternoon at church, and it was that car that starred in one of his first bedtime stories about clarence and beatrice, two frogs and their pond rocket.  Ever since then we called it our Pond Rocket when we didn't call it the X, and I loved it, mostly because I love Jeremy, and it came with him.

I felt big in the X--way bigger than I feel in my little honda.  I felt cool in the X--way cooler than I felt in my reliable sedan.  Mostly though, I love the X because of the memories we made in it.  We drove to Colorado in that car (which is where Jeremy told a friend in my presence that he'd like to mary me) and then we had all of our newlywed adventures in it--to florida and camping and on ski trips.  We were able to fit our dogs in the back and take them to the dog park or to memphis with us, and as the years passed, we also were able to put our babies in it.  One baby, and then another, and now that there is a third on the way, not even the car top carrier will offer us enough grace to get everyone safely inside the Pond Rocket.  Besides that, it needs a lot of work, and because we knew we'd need a wider car by July, we figured it was smarter for us to pour money into a new vehicle rather than keep fixing up the X.

I grieved the change on my way south to pick up our van.  I drove slow on the interstate, savoring my last adventure in what was my boyfriend's cool truck before trading it in for a van that instead symbolizes for me a much more responsible and less care free lifestyle.  We arrived at the car dealership in a typical cloud of smoke accompanied by the smell of burning oil but thankfully no flames, and I said my goodbye as Randy the car salesman helped me get the car seats out of the back and the license plate transferred to the new van--the O, we like to call it.  Thank you, x-terra, for being a part of so many sweet memories in such a wonderful and awe-filled season of my life.

Now this minivan is making things hard on me.  I had no idea that shopping for a car had gone the way of the internet like everything else in our world, and though that gives us access to so much more, it also makes a heart like mine greedy.  After looking at our options (and test-driving what was available, which was top of the line, of course), I convinced myself that perhaps a minivan would be a good thing for this soon-to-be mama of three if it had leather seats and a sun roof and maybe some built in dvd players or an iPod dock.  Because the model we ended up with has none of the above, I'm feeling less than thrilled with our package.  I am thrilled, however, with the deal we got (I think it was a good one and in a season in which i'm not working, that couldn't be a bigger gift or need fulfilled), and i am also thrilled with the fact that the van will seat all of our children, which was our main reason for stepping into minivan land.  I'm hopeful that after a few adventures in our new O with the "magic doors" and working cd player (Isaac put money and "lots of it" in the cd players in both of our other vehicles so having access to our music again feels dreamy) I will feel better about it.  Honestly I am grateful for the reminder that it is to me of being surrendered in this season (and really always) to knowing our need and not feeling like we "deserve" the extras.  we have plenty of extras and plenty of blessing in our lives--leather seats and a sun roof don't need to be among the things i hold dear.  A vehicle that will fit all of us and that feels safe on the road is what we needed and the Lord, once again, provided.  I'm growing into it, slowly but surely.

It felt anticlimactic to pick up the new car and just drive it home so i took the kids to Wendy's to get frosty's in honor of the occasion.  After we enjoyed them, I realized it was time for dinner and that I didn't have a plan for what we'd eat when we got home.  I got back in line with Ada while Isaac finished his frosty and I set her on the counter to order her hamburger with no pickle and french fries.  When the lady asked, "how can i help you?' ada said out of the clear blue, "can I work here?"  I laughed and so did the Wendy's employee who said, "excuse me, what did you say?"  ada said it louder a second time and so the woman went to get her manager, who delighted so in Ada's request that she sent us back to our table with our hands full of kids' meal toys.  I still laugh about it.  These sweet babies make everything an adventure.  And therefore,  I'll drive the church bus if I have to.  As long as my car is filled with life, I really don't care if my i-pod works in it.

so much has happened!

today is january 24th.  4 years ago yesterday we met isaac for the first time.  we had so much fun celebrating his fourth birthday this year, and i can't even believe how big he is now.  he's such a boy.  he can do so much now.  i just love him to pieces.
to celebrate his big day, we had a dog party.  he wanted one for a long time, suggesting that everyone bring their real dog so that they could all fight in the backyard.  we decided to tame his request a little and he agreed that people could also bring a stuffed animal dog or a picture of a dog.  we had a dog show with all of the pups that came with the kids and it was so cute!  we also made dog collars, dug for bones in the sandbox, had obedience school, and ate cake that looked like dog food out of dog bowls.  isaac had so much fun.  his aunt name helped build him a doghouse out of a card table and some insulation board, which he loved too.  he was so glad to have his cousins here among his guests.  38 people, 3 real dogs besides our own, and 56 hot dogs--how wild is that?

yesterday isaac had gymnastics and then we went to sweet cece's to celebrate turning four.  after naps he played chutes and ladders with me and we also enjoyed his new ball and a dr. suess game called "i can do it."  mr. steve brought him some chocolate milk and gracie brought him a towmater truck that has a fun cannon on it.  after we played, we enjoyed dinner at mcdonalds at his request.  he ate every bite of his happy meal and played his heart out on the playground.  i only had to go down the slide twice (which was good because i'm too old or too pregnant to fit in those tubes).  isaac went down it tons more times by himself, and ada went down AND up it.  we had fun.  then we made dog bone brownies for him to take to school today, and did baths and read 5 books before bed.  i had such a great time with him.

in other news, we got a minivan last week, ada requested her first job, jeremy got a speeding ticket i should write about, and i am 16 weeks along with baby #3.  more later!

houses for you and me

since we've been talking about houses in preparation for ada's party, isaac has become aware that not everyone has a house, which was our goal, in part.  he asked me how come not everyone has a house, and i told him that not everyone has enough money to buy a house, and that, in fact, people borrow money for their houses since they are so expensive.  he said he thought we should give some of our money to help someone buy a house.  i was so excited that he wanted to be generous in such a special way.  then he told me "but not my money from my piggy bank."  oh well.  we'll keep trying.  i get it.  it's hard to be generous.  i don't do it well either!

when you are 16

today when ada and i picked isaac up from school, ada insisted on climbing into her seat by way of the driver's seat.  she said to me, in all seriousness, "mommy, can i drive?"  and i said, "no, baby.  you have to be 16 to drive a car and you aren't even 2, so that means you can almost drive in 14 years."  she replied, "Ohhh.  okay."  and after a pause she said, "Can i drive now?"

I know it'll seem like tomorrow and she will be!  in the meantime, i'm glad we are only getting ready for her 2nd birthday and not her sweet 16th!

a BIG surprise!

i am so excited!  a kind of excited i don't remember feeling the first two times because i was so terrified, but a surrendered and wonderful and amazing kind of excited--so much so that it only feels fitting to write about it so that i won't forget it.  if it's within our control, this is the last time i'll experience this revelation excitement--the last time i'll ponder in the quiet of my own heart and soul the miracle of a little life within me on the very first day i get to know about the gift of his or her existence.  in this very moment, only the Father in heaven and I know about this little one.  I feel like God is letting me in on a divine and holy secret, just a small part of His plan to be revealed in some unique and creative way to this world.  i've been praying that God would give us this baby, and jeremy told me last night that he has been too, and though Jeremy does not yet know that God did, indeed, answer that prayer,  I am taking a break from the tasks of the day to praise our God from whom ALL blessings flow and to pray for this little one that He, the creator and savior of the universe, dreamed up before there was even time for the very purpose of bringing Him glory in some way. I can't believe i have the privilege of carrying this little one these next nine months, and beyond, and as much as I, honestly, don't love being pregnant, I already love this child so very much.  And so this last time, I really want to enjoy the miracle that's taking place inside of me.

I wonder if she's a girl, or if he's a boy.  I wonder how she will bless our family, in what ways he will stretch us, what she will be like, how he will interact with his siblings....  I wonder so many things, some of them practical (like where will he sleep and how in the world will we fit 3 car seats in our car?) and some of them not (like who will she be and how will he best know God?).  I wonder how his little life will change the lives of his siblings.  Isaac and Ada do so well together...finally!  They love each other.  Can they love another little one too?  Can I love another one well?  I struggle to love the precious ones I have with joy and patience.  Is there enough of me to go around, and to still invest well in our marriage?

I have no choice but to trust that God is more than enough for us as He grows our family with great purpose.  I can't wait to tell Jeremy.  I'm so, so excited about knowing this baby and raising him or her with Jeremy by my side.  I wish I could hold her or him today!  July 10th ish is our due date.  Finally, a summer baby!!

Hooray!  I am so very full this day.
i was suspicious when i noticed how strong my fingernails were on the way home from gymnastics  with Ada today.  I am so grateful!  And now...off to decide how to tell Jeremy he is a daddy again!  Thank you, Jesus, for knitting this baby together within me.  What a miracle!  Please bring this little life here safely, and may He or she be filled with your Spirit and an eager participant in your Kingdom work.

"Sing over me, draw me close to rest in your peace.  Sing over me, oh sing"

a little surprise

i've been dreaming about ada's birthday party for a while now, even though it's still a month away.  after having a few hours last june with an old friend, howie, who works full time as a missionary building homes in mexican border towns, i realized that AMOR, a ministry that is dear to my heart and primarily "builds hope" by providing poor families with safe, dry homes, is struggling financially and therefore is only able to build half as many homes this year.  That means that only 600 families will benefit from the two room structure AMOR builds so well instead of normal 1200 families.  It also means only half as many volunteers are blessed by the experience of using their hearts and hands through AMOR to help build these homes and love on these families.  It's been my experience that I gain way more than I give when I am serving in this capacity.  I knew that the First Pres. group was taking a break from serving on the border due to the dangerous drug traffic and related crime, but it had not occurred to me that other churches were also choosing other avenues in which to serve.  Fewer servant groups, in combination with low giving, has left AMOR with a long waiting list of Mexican families who pray for a home for their babies.  I can't even imagine.

We have been conscious this year about supporting AMOR, and since Ada's birthday is at Christmas time, I thought that, with housing on our hearts, a gingerbread party would be fun!  Because of that, and because of her interest at Daystar, at Nana's and at RuRu's with the dollhouses there, I decided this would be a fun year to get her a dollhouse, as a tangible reminder of God's grace in our lives and also as a prompt to teach her to "build hope," however God might call her to do that.

When I started looking for dollhouses, I was super discouraged.  They are all pretty pricey (mostly over 3 digits) and seemed less than unique, much unlike my girl.  I happened to look on craigslist Sunday night and found a cute, wooden, blue house in need of some loving that very much reminded me of the house my sister made me when I was little (only it's smaller).  It was only 25 dollars, so I inquired about it right away, and was first in a line of many to get to stop by and look at it.

I told Ms. Paula, the homeowner, that I could pick the house up Monday morning, but would have to back into her driveway and sneak it into the trunk without the kids seeing it.  We headed towards Franklin, which worked perfectly because Isaac had gymnastics in Franklin that morning anyway.  When we passed the gym, he of course freaked out that I was going the wrong way.  I told him that I had a surprise to pick up.  He and Ada both got really excited and immediately started trying to guess what it might be.  Isaac said, "It must be a pumpkin!"  I decided to let him know that it wasn't actually a pumpkin, so he said, "I know!  Maybe it's a cow!  No, that's too big."  So Ada said, "Then it's a horse."  Isaac said, "No, Ada.  It's a rooster."  And so finally they settled on a new puppy.

I'm excited about giving this "new puppy" a new life.  I think it needs a good coat of pink paint on the outside and some sweet little touches on the inside.  I can't wait to work on it, and to give it to Ada for her second birthday.  Hopefully she and Isaac will spend a lot of creative hours enjoying it together, and in the end, will be reminded that everything we have is a gift from God.  I hope they will learn to give generously in response to his extravagant love.